I drive highway 285. I head west. A triple shot latte, perfectly poured fuels my drive. The sun reflects on the snow, a blanket of splintered diamonds. The road snakes through the canyon, inducing a meditative state of being. Follow the road, follow the breath. My mind begins to unwind, I feel my heart beating. I am Orvis bound. It was my original New Year plan but the week after Christmas I wavered. The practical, let’s be reasonable part of myself was pressuring me into staying home. You don’t have the money! But I longed for spaciousness, for the view of South Park and its wide embrace. I wanted to feel the solidity and comfort of the San Juan Mountains, the peace and stillness of winter on the western slope. So I left it up to synchronicity. I had waited until the last minute, I needed a room, I needed a milagro! Canyon Creek. A beautiful little B & B in Montrose, a short drive to Orvis Hot Springs in Ridgway. If they had the “Idarado” room with the claw foot bathtub available on New Years Eve and New Years Day then I would take it as a sign and pack my car. It was available! I felt the gypsy in me return, my love of pilgrimage and adventure. I wanted to be in the sanctuary of nature, to honor the sacred, to float on my back and stare at stars that float in an indigo sky. Monarch pass is icy and snow packed, the trees bow under the weight of newly fallen snow. The air is “see your breath” cold. Mountains tower, their summits shroud in fast moving clouds, the world has gone white, my mind blank. Impermanence. Nature is a perfect reflection of the temporal, the fleetingness of life. I feel small and feral, and strangely comforted by my own mortality. Space lends perspective, and in the vastness of this land the challenges of the past few months seem as transient as the thin ice on Blue Mesa. A sense of timelessness emerges. My body relaxes as my consciousness expands. The observer has returned. The boundary between myself, and what I see and experience disappears. Canyon Creek sits on Main St. in Montrose, Colorado. A beautiful, and lovingly restored historical home. Big windows, wood floors, leather chairs and sofa, bookshelves filled with books and mementos of an explored life. A colorful painting of “Bo” the endearing little Yorkie that greets me at the door hangs in the dining room against a bordeaux wall, a wedding gift from one of their guests. Warm and inviting, peaceful and relaxing I am immediately at home. My room is painted in a perfect shade of cappuccino. In the bathroom the original sink and tub, gleam claw foot heaven against cinnamon walls and refinished wood floors, a bathing oasis. Black framed photos, soft linens, down pillows, fluffy white towels, and robe. Heaven! I have never before gone on a holiday by myself and actually stayed in a room and not a tent. Pure luxury. I stay long enough to unpack my bag, and head for my primary destination, Orvis Hot Springs in Ridgway. It is New Years Eve, it is 5:30 pm and the temperature is dropping rapidly as the sun begins to set. I pay the woman behind the counter for time to soak, she informs me that my girlfriend Kimmie has paid for a massage with Jodi at 7:30 in the Aspen yurt, an early 50th birthday present! The night is clear, the snow capped mountains glow in an otherworldly violet hue. I shed my clothes in a heap and climb into the “lobster pot” a 110 to 112 degree rock pool. I submerge my body. I float weightlessly. My hair freezes within minutes of surfacing, icicle locks. I love this feeling, of fire and ice. Snow layers precariously on the wooden fence, in linear perfection. The sauna beckons. It is filled with refugees from winter, naked and sweating. We are strangers who have converged from various points on the map to experience the “blue moon” on New Years Eve, a once in every 19 years phenomenon. By the time I leave the sauna the moon is just beginning to appear in the east. My inner voice was insistent that I go to the main pool where I sit on a ledge of stone on the north end. I look to see the luminosity of the moon coming through the trees. The light is refracted as it merges into the mist rising from the water. It begins to form snowflake like patterns that are a metamorphic wonder. They hover in a three dimensional configuration . Then another cloud of mist appears and the pattern becomes layered. The aura of the moon colors the light golden and I am transfixed. The presence of the light transforms my very soul. I have never felt anything like it. It is absolutely the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. It only appeared to be happening where I was sitting, so I told those nearest to me to come closer so that they too could see it. They were simply awe struck. We sat in silence, in holy communion. I cupped my hands with water and watched the moon float in my palm.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I was filled with such joy and gratitude, so grateful. Then Jodi called my name and I walked the sandstone path covered in ice and snow, feet sticking to the ground, steam rising from my body. The yurt small and round, warmed by a stove working overtime. I climb onto a heated table under a layer of sheets. Jodi’s hands are skilled and nourishing, she works intuitively and in silence. I surrender. I surrender to the moment, to the softness of my breath, to the stillness. I arrive. This place over the years has become my refuge, a place to experience the natural world. I feel at home beneath the stars, where the full moon creates daylight out of darkness, where coyotes serenade the night. I am dependent on the benevolence of life to sustain me, to keep me woven into this great weave that is life. A single strand, a wave in the ocean, a star in the sky, a tree in the forest, a rock on the mountain. I am the whole and I am the part. Orvis closes at 10:00 pm. As I leave the driveway my headlights capture shimmering crystals, suspended in air, something else I have never seen. I love nothing more than feeling the presence of magic in my life. I suddenly feel as if the entire night has been a milagro. I had declared earlier in the week that 2010 was going to be the “year of the milagros.” The year of miracles, of fateful encounters, uncommon graces, the happenstance that makes life an adventure! Synchronicity and fortuitous experiences are going to be my fare. This is only the beginning… Written: January 6, 2010
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The Latin word for the Roman goddess of liberty and freedom is Liberas. She is in fact the inspiration for the statue of liberty, an effigy of the goddess Isis. I remember the trembling I felt in my body when I first laid eyes on her this summer. I was floating down the Hudson, onboard a small cruise liner aptly named, “Celestial.” It was sunset and we came as close to her as law allows. The power of her presence was overwhelming. She was the embodiment of what I value most, freedom. The protector of liberty, asylum from oppression and tyranny, and a woman!
As a direct descendent of Patrick Henry, “the give me liberty or give me death Henry”, I have all of my life been wed to the highest ideal of liberation. It is in my blood. I have dedicated my life to liberating those who suffer, to illuminating the truth, to removing that which binds. I have found that it is the mind itself that either oppresses or liberates. Even those in the most heinous and dehumanizing situations can remain internally free. How we interpret our reality, our experience, determines the quality of our lives. A worthy example follows. I have been mired for the past several weeks in the interpretative aspect of my mind. I have been strategizing, analyzing, and in the end drawing erroneous conclusions about the state of my life. I have experienced intellectual mayhem, the result of trying to find a suitable answer to my livelihood dilemma. As if the process of mere “thinking” would be enough to resolve the issue. The more I think the less present I am. The more present I am the more relaxed I feel. In being relaxed I connect effortlessly to a timeless state of consciousness. This expansiveness lends itself to non-linear modes of cognition, to transcendental knowledge that is liberating. This is the realm where I know that I don’t need an answer. What a relief. I have struggled this last year to exclusively support myself doing what it is that I love, writing and teaching. I have known my whole life that it was my spiritual destiny, the work that I was intended to do! I had such clarity of purpose, such a heartfelt knowing that this was the fulfilling of my dharma. The fact that it failed to be a viable living was devastating. I felt disappointed, and discouraged. Wallowing in an apathetic demise, suffering overshadowing the joy my heart tried in vain to awaken. I felt abandoned. If not this then what? Was it possible, that it wasn’t possible? Self-doubt and anger plagued my heart. Only solitude could soothe the deep pain that I felt. I needed time to crater in the ruin of my attachments. To be in that lonely, “I don’t know what else to do place,” that is painful to the touch. There is nothing like retreating from the world, from the ravages of the mind, to restore one’s relative sanity. I became contemplative, self-reflective. Was I attached to how my work should look? Had “I” designated it as “spiritual work” to the exclusion of other forms of work I had done in my life? Did it truthfully have greater value, merit or importance? How could I ever determine that? Isn’t it about who I am, not what I do? What determined spiritual work? Did it really matter what I did? I began to see how far I had wandered from my own knowing. In the most compassionate way, I was shown that there is no greater or lesser thing that I can do in this world. It is simply a matter of awareness, of recognizing that whatever I do with love is my work! Something truly amazing happened through this process… I felt my own small contributions to humanity. They were not epic or grand. They were in fact, simple moments in time. Those moments happened in the world, within the context of people’s lives, not necessarily within a classroom, not on a blank page. I had in my own quiet way brought truth, love, compassion, peace, healing and freedom to those in need. I didn’t create those opportunities they were given to me. They will always be given to me. In the darkest times in my life I have discovered an inner strength and power, an ability to trust in the forces that were conspiring to make me real. At the height of fear I have felt the birth of courage. When I’ve been certain that I couldn’t endure, something within miraculously restores me to life, puts flesh on my bones, and air in my lungs. “Your not done yet, so rise.” This is how I have become authentic. I have learned how to surrender, to accept what I most ardently resist with faith. I don’t know where I will be led, how I will earn my living, where I will live or much of anything else. What I do know is that I can trust in life. I remember the truth, I hold the keys to my own freedom. Hail Libertas! Happy New Year, love, santidevi A student of mine yesterday told me that whenever she thinks of me, in her mind, my name is Faith. How perfect, that in someone else’s internal world I am synonymous with faith! This is exactly what has returned to my patient and awaiting heart, faith. It was as if the Gods were confirming that I had wandered home again, to the hallowed ground of my true Self, renamed. Thanks Kate!
I have always believed in signs, in synchronicity and otherwise magical happenstance. Whenever I have needed direction it has always appeared in an illuminating and spontaneous way. Lyrics to a song inspire me to take a risk, words on a billboard answer the question I have been pondering, someone gives me the very thing I have been needing most etc… I have learned through experience, that my life is being choreographed in concert with my purpose, despite my best effort at times, to derail myself. There is a constant resonance happening between my deepest longing, and life’s desire to fulfill it. It doesn’t require effort on my part, merely an unshakable trust, and a willingness to suspend my judgement and fear. This is what I love most about life, it is never certain. I know your wondering how I can possibly be sincere in this sentiment. Understandably confusing if you have read my past few posts. Let me clarify. Now that I have my bearings once more, I am remembering how valuable uncertainty really is. When I am uncertain, on some level I am aware of the immense possibilities pulsing just beneath the surface. I am no longer trapped by what I know, but freed by what I don’t. In the face of the unknown I am asked to surrender, to have faith in the beauty and benevolence of life, in the goodness of humanity. To let go of all preconceived notions about what is and isn’t possible in the world. To possess the qualities of a beginner’s mind. I have never been able to determine my course, which I am sure has been an act of grace! I am simply taken to where I am needed most. Whenever I have tried to manipulate or control the direction of my life, usually through stubborn willfulness, I am inevitably cast to and fro in a abyss of self-doubt and misery. Exhausting and overwhelming myself in the process. Yet when I surrender to the prevailing forces, those that are intuitively trying to lead me, a sense of calm and peace ensues. There is an immense joy that is arising as I relax more fully into this uncertain, but amazingly adventurous life of mine. This heroine’s journey is a mapless exploration, yet I am guided in a powerful and deeply gratifying way. I seem to know I am going in the right direction, even when I feel hopelessly lost. The trials and tribulations, the obstacles, and challenges continue to be the catalyst of my character development! In the ninth hour, when all seems insanely futile, and all for naught, the miraculous happens… I find my way. It doesn’t matter what I do to earn my living as long as I continue to be who I am, to live with a humble and grateful heart. I have awakened once more to what is of real importance to me. It has been my true souls desire not to be corrupted by the pain and suffering inherent in human life but to live as an embodiment of unconditional love, compassion, wisdom and truth, to remain authentic, simple and childlike in my nature. To live according to my highest understanding. So let the north wind blow… santidevi Seattle… the mist casts an otherworldly sheen over the city. The landscape takes on an impressionistic tone and I feel as if the world is being water colored. I walk Greenlake with my laotong who spots a bald eagle sitting atop a towering, flat needled pine. A small crow is fearlessly or perhaps recklessly trying to attack it, diving at every angle, the crow is relentless. The eagle on the other hand, is the embodiment of stillness. It appears completely undisturbed. We watch in amazement at the bold maneuvering of the crow and the absolute indifference of its regal target. Suddenly something in me awakens…
I immediately see the symbolism of the choreography that is unfolding before my eyes, and how it relates to my own life at this moment. The eagle is pure consciousness, the supreme sovereign, that which is eternal, and unbound. The crow is the ego aspect of the mind, that which is unconscious, transient and distinctly mortal. The ego is constantly trying to maintain control of the individual consciousness and will resort to nearly any means to assert its will and dominance. It’s uncanny in its ability to determine exactly when you are most vulnerable to its influence. I have worked for years at subduing the power the ego has upon my thoughts, words, behavior and character. I have become very astute at knowing when it is present, even in subtle form. Generally I am aware of when it surfaces, or is trying to seize control. But I am not beyond being humbled by its sudden resurrections! The recent financial stress, the fear and uncertainty of not being able to meet my obligations created the perfect climate for the ego to take prominence. I found my mind increasingly beleaguered by negative and self-limited thinking. Always an indication, that the ego has made an entrance. I began to interpret my current situation as a reflection of my personal value and worth, identifying myself with my corrosive thoughts and feelings. I was placing unreasonable demands upon myself, insisting that I DO something to alleviate my circumstances. Try harder! Take control! Use more effort! Side note: effort fueled by fear creates contraction, contraction creates disconnection, disconnection, creates isolation. I was spiraling into an ever widening and dark abyss. DANGER WILL ROBINSON! It has been along time since I have felt pulled into the current of unconsciousness. I no longer felt the ever present, peace and stillness of my being. I felt, as dramatically as it may sound, that I had been abducted and was being held hostage by a self proclaimed anarchist. Actually that is a fairly accurate assessment of what had happened. I was no longer awake, aware, or present… the ego was at the helm! Do you know what finally woke me up, several days later? Pain. Pain is the great Awakener. I was creating a reality that was UNREAL. None of what I was thinking was actually happening. I was creating an inferno of self-imposed suffering. “Suffering is an absence of presence.” I heard internally the illuminating truth, the power of my own words, of my most intimate understanding. I realized in that moment the fictional, and illusionary quality of my fear, how I had drawn apocalyptic conclusions about my situation, which I had ignorantly equated with my life! How I was judging my experience, instead of merely observing it. Do you see how swiftly the ego aspect of the mind can commandeer our lives and create havoc if we are not Mindful? You see, the mind both binds, and liberates. This is the paradox. My mind had put me into an airless box without windows, yet it also in the end, freed me. It’s not that I didn’t know all of what I just recited prior to the experience, I did. Thus is the power of fear to undermine our skills, and compromise our abilities. This is the interesting thing about life we are never done learning, growing, expanding and evolving, no matter whom we are. As a teacher I am first and foremost a student. We are all challenged to practice, to live according to our deepest truth and understanding. Becoming impartial to our experience is very important in spiritual life, being able to accept with equanimity whatever arises. This deep acceptance of what is, is the true home of faith, peace and happiness. I continue to learn this. As soon as I woke up, { began to consciously observe my mind } the serene and meditative quality that normally characterizes my state of being returned spontaneously. It was always there. I am the one who departed when I became possessed by the throes of a panicked ego. Nothing in my external world has changed and yet I am at peace. Was the whole process really necessary? Is there anything in life that does not serve our evolution? Experience, has wisely taught me, not to judge how I am transformed, or awakened. I have also learned the value of not destructively criticizing or blaming myself for my lapse of awareness. Each time, I know that a profound transformation has occurred, a shift that invariably brings greater clarity and understanding. I am brought to my knees and humbled, certain of only one thing… still breathing. I am so grateful for what I have, for the gift and grace that is my life. santidevi I need to know that something is happening, as NOTHING appears to be. My heart sees through the deception of illusion, and knows otherwise, despite my trepidation. I have planted the seeds for growth and renewal, and on a deep level I trust that they are germinating somewhere in dark and fertile soil. I know, that given time they will push through the ground and appear perfectly miraculous. But at this moment, it is a faint and colorless certainty. I feel raw and vulnerable. I miss the contentedness of my Self that has basked in undaunted faith and fearlessness. I am steeped in self-doubt, in the chasm of rational analysis that can only lead to suffering. I want evidence that I will be restored to a viable state of living, that my work will resurrect, that my sense of belonging to something greater then my own pulse will return. Some part of me is resolute and unwilling to continue unless I see visible proof that I will rise as the proverbial phoenix out of the ash. My ego seems to have drawn a line in the sand, presented non-negotiable terms, and unleashed a host of unthinkable ultimatums. It has surfaced like a prehistoric and mythical creature out of the depths of my own insecurities. This year has challenged me on every level, to the very core of my being. As the economy has deteriorated so has my income. It has taken all of my inner resources to consciously refuse to succumb to the “fight or flight” response, to remain ever mindful. I will not be controlled or bullied by fear or ignorance. I will not let it distort the truth or lay claim to my path. Yet I cannot deny the mounting concern over my apparent inability to earn a sustainable living doing what I love.
How can I even think of discontinuing the work that has taken a lifetime or several to cultivate? Yet when I look at the numbers, the lack of funds in my account, the cancelled events, and the virtually empty schedule in front of me, I am ready to abandon it all. This of course is just my sense of futility trying to gain some momentum. I cannot allow myself to be disheartened, I, nonetheless, feel cratered. I have begun to deeply question whether what I do is of real value to others, whether or not there is genuine need for my skills. I believe with every naysaying cell intact, that despite all indications there has never been a more generative time. I pray for strength, for the means to live in faith not fear. In the midst of this Soul searching I get a voice message from a student, it was her birthday and she just called to express her gratitude for the help she has received, for the great work I was doing in the world…”the universe is absolutely going to support everything that you want.” Then when I check my email I have notification that some kind and generous soul has donated $20.00. Though I have tried to emancipate myself from my need for external signs or validation, I fully acknowledge my need for such encouragement. My life has shown me over and over and over again the limitations of my awareness and understanding. Just when I think it is time to reevaluate myself into oblivion I am awakened. I am given another opportunity to realize that every moment, every breath is vital. Everything has purpose and meaning. The divine, no matter how far I stray into the abyss of uncertainty, is ever present in my life. We humans are unlikely to continue anything that doesn’t fulfill our expectations or satisfy us in one way or another. Whenever we invest ourselves, our time and energy in any endeavor, we want to know that it has quantifiable value. We want confirmation that our efforts are not in vain. We want substantial proof that ultimately it’s going to improve the quality of our lives, and potentially the lives of others. This seems like a reasonable way to evaluate which experiences are desirable and worthy of our labor, and which are not. The challenge however arises, when we depend solely upon our sensory system to be the agent of our analysis. Our primary senses aren’t able to discern what is happening beyond their conditioned perception. Our sensory input for the most part is based on prior memory and association. We determine what is real and what isn’t, by our own relative and limited experience. Our reality is a direct reflection of our individual awareness or consciousness. There have been many times in my life where absolutely “nothing,” seemed to be happening, I was certain of it! I felt conflicted and discouraged. There was no real evidence of progress or development. I couldn’t see the whole, wasn’t cognizant of the constellation of events that were taking place beyond my perceptual lens. Countless physiological activities are happening in my body at this very moment beyond my conscious awareness. Human beings are being conceived, stars are taking form and dying, species are emerging and becoming extinct all in concert with an intelligence that is beyond my own. The truth is we can’t even begin to fathom the complexities inherent in our own epic and archetypal sojourns. In general, we tend to be pleasure seeking, to desire satisfaction in lieu of dissatisfaction, and certainty over the unknown. We gravitate towards activities we know we will excel in and avoid those that might be humbling. Ironically enough, the most valuable, transformative and consciousness-raising experiences are those that frequently appear as burdensome, unwanted events, obstacles and challenges. These life lessons can make us feel powerless, vulnerable and inadequate. They can destroy our illusionary sense of control, our personal identity, and dismantle our core belief system. This “dismembering,” feels like death, the one thing we are hard wired to avoid. This process certainly wouldn’t qualify as “valuable” from the limited perspective of the rational or logical mind. In fact, it would be viewed as self-destructive. What I know, is that I have been absolutely liberated by traumatic events, by those experiences that I have ardently resisted and refused. I know, that what I have endured this past year, the financial devastation, personal loss, and general instability are the seeds of my growth, of my expansion. I have faith in what I cannot see. I have courage in the face of my own ignorance. I have abiding gratitude even when I am self-pitying. I embrace this uncertain life with all of its harrowing trials, the twists and turns. As my enlightened friend Billy says “there is always a shade tree and there are always friends.” I have always been curious, about what appears to be a human need and propensity to label virtually everything and everyone. What is at the root of this phenomenon? It’s human nature to want to know, it provides us with a sense of control, certainty and safety. Not knowing can produce feelings of vulnerability, powerlessness, anxiety and fear. The ego, in its “infinitely strategic brilliance” uses labeling to quickly, and superficially assess whatever it encounters.
Labeling is merely a tool to make the world and everything in it more manageable, and less threatening. When we label anything we reduce it to our own relative perception and understanding. Labeling is a function of the ego, the analytical and intellectual aspect of the mind, and is based on concepts, ideologies and conditioning, all of which are inherently limiting. Labeling is a static process, a closed system. This type of reductionist thinking attempts to separate the part from the whole. It is a futile attempt to make life predictable. When we label someone we can no longer see or relate to them authentically. Our minds have predetermined who and what they are, and thus there is no mystery to discover or experience. We are safe! Naming something, on the other hand is a dynamic, intuitive, inclusive and expansive process. For example, in many indigenous tribes throughout the world, newborns are not named by the parents, but by the indwelling spirit of the child. The infant is symbolically presented to, and acknowledged by the sustaining and elemental forces of nature. This affirms their interdependence and connection to the circle of life, which symbolically represents the whole of existence. Through consistently relating to and observing the nature of the child, their innate talents and abilities are seen and fostered. These inborn qualities are understood as an intimate expression of the incarnating soul. The naming comes only when the essence of the child is revealed and understood. Their name embodies their “medicine.” Medicine meaning, the power and destiny the Creator has given to them. Naming comes from a deep and patient knowing, from the intuitive realm, from spirit itself. Naming is powerful because it arises from the truth or essence of something or someone. It is not contrived by the human mind, or by the conditioning of experience or environment. This is an entirely different way of relating to the world, and to each other. The emphasis is on unity, on interrelationship and is characterized by wanting to know the truth. What is beyond naming? Direct and immediate perception is what arises when we surrender all claim and attachment to knowing anything. When we encounter each moment with a beginner’s mind, with a clear and receptive lens, we experience things as they are. We no longer fear being annihilated by what we don’t know. Strangely in being present, without labels, without even the need to identify or name, we are actually liberated. We are liberated from ignorance and illusion, from the need to feel powerful and in control. The critical and evaluative quality of the mind ceases, and a profound sense of relaxation and peace spontaneously arises. We are then free to experience without fear or expectation, without the need for certainty and predictability… This freedom happens when we “show up,” when we let go of what we think we are in possession or need of. This is an act of conscious awareness, of trust and faith. It is akin to throwing out the compass and the map, knowing that there is an internal and omniscient intelligence that always knows where we are and where we’re going. Life in all of its glorious complexity and mystery is always inviting us to abandon our rationality, our logical thinking minds, for a truer way of knowing and being. Each moment lived in this way becomes an adventure, a pilgrimage to the very heart of our humanity. santidevi I end the fast at 34 days. I break it in a time honored tradition, with the eating of prasad {blessed food}. It is taken after satsang with Swami Dharmakeerthi, one of my beloved teachers from India. In the moment that I break the fast I observe the ego’s attachment to fulfilling the 40 days. Its desire to translate the fast into a personal accomplishment, an accolade, spiritual merit. This is the nature of the ego to want recognition, to seek command and ownership. With the broad sword of awareness I sever all attachment. There is no drama, no ceremony, all is dissolved in the awareness of what Is. Whatever I do is done by the power and grace of the Divine. I alone am impotent, nothing is my doing.
The purpose of all spiritual sadhana is to experience the truth, to realize our essential nature. Where there is ambition there is attachment, where there is attachment there is illusion, where there is illusion there is suffering. All of our thoughts, words and actions should be in accordance with Dharma{ “that which holds.” } The authentic individual naturally expresses the highest human values, their innate goodness, and compassion. Our true purpose can never be known outside of our own divinity. This knowing is not inspired by effort but by surrender. The soul is already perfected, it cannot be increased or decreased, manipulated, corrupted or destroyed. It is the imperishable and immortal aspect of our Being. As we awaken, and our conditioning no longer binds us in limitation, we are able to access the higher dimensions of our consciousness. The fast initiated a surrender to the Divine, and a relinquishing of personal will. This was purifying on the deepest levels. In the final weeks, a one pointedness of mind arose spontaneously. I was in a continuous meditative state of consciousness. In emptying my body, the boundaries that separate the inner and the outer world dissolved. All was One. The incessant noise of the mind was silenced. In this simplicity I experienced the joy of being alive. The breath became my mantra. The luminous, unconditional love of the Divine filled my being. I have never felt so completely real, relaxed, whole and at peace. What ever filters had obscured my seeing things just as they are, had been removed. The beauty was overwhelming. What I truly valued became ever more apparent. Superficial needs were exposed and eradicated. Only what was essential remained. I prayed daily for the fulfilling of my Dharma, for union with my Beloved, for the ability to serve all beings. As I prayed I felt the loving presence of the immortal bodhisattva, Quan Yin. Her compassion and mercy filled my heart. I felt the lineage of my soul, the thread that has woven me from the same weave, one incarnation after the other. Embodied for the singular purpose of alleviating suffering through the awakening of humanity. My illuminated mind experienced the timelessness of my existence. There was no before, there is no after. My home is not bound to place or time. Where ever I Am, I am home. I will travel to Ireland to write, to breathe the sea air, to walk in the mist. I will go to celebrate life, and pay my respects to my mystic ancestry. But I will not live far from those I love. For it is love that has led me, that by grace has liberated my soul. It is love that has given me the power to surrender, to fulfill my calling with strength, courage and humility. My very existence is an expression of the love that the Divine has for creation. I am Love. I listen for the quiet voice of my beloved, and I watch the leaves form eddy’s in the air. Day turns to night and the lights of the city cast halos’ on the wet cement. The coal train winds its way through slumbering high rises and vacant lots. The chill of autumn makes its breath visible. I am alive, and I am awake. I appreciate the loving support you have all have given me throughout my fast. I thank each and every one of you for your thoughts and prayers. Your company was a constant source of strength and nourishment. May your true Self be known to you, may you be at peace. love, santidevi Longing to be touched, to feel the warmth of a sleeping body next to me. Breathing the scent of human skin. The intimacy and comfort of naked bodies entwined. My heart sings to the one who has yet to appear. I am finding in this great emptiness within me, what it is I truly want. To be loved. To have wild abandon with someone who loves adventure as much as I do. Who wants to explore the world, the mystery of creation, the awakening of consciousness. A spirit that loves my cooking, and my bohemian adherence to “No rules.” That defines reading as “fun”, and is comfortable with doing absolutely nothing! One who recognizes the depth and passion of my Soul, and is isn’t afraid. I have faith that this stranger will come, that the intersecting byways of our travels will unite us in some throughly unexpected and serendipitous way.
My life has never felt so precarious. My strategy has always been not to live with a plan. I have never been a logical sort or one to trust in the rational. I love the uncertainty, and the feeling of possibility that it ignites. I know that whatever my simple mind can construct as a worthy goal, would be a mere shadow of what the spirit in me is destined for. I trust in the synchronicities, in the seemingly coincidental, and I look for signs. I listen. Living in this way requires a certain amount of detachment, a lessening of personal agenda and in the end a true surrender to an unconventional life. There are times when I have questioned my course, when I’ve made hard choices based on my personal value system and integrity, and not on what made sense. Suddenly changing direction just when my life had taken on some semblance of stability and order. I have learned not to get too comfortable, or to presume upon my circumstances. It suits my sensibilities to be adaptively flexible, to allow my life to transform at will. In this fasting I have realized ever more clearly the value I place upon being absolutely true to my Self. Living in harmony with my true nature and expressing it in word, action and deed. Bringing my spirit into the world in a way that has value and meaning. Returning to the simple as my guide. I choose to live with gratitude and reverence, to greet each moment with awareness. I Am, all that I seek. This truth fills me with peace. I live knowing that I am fulfilling my purpose, that my very existence is a divine blessing. My body is empty, but my heart is full. At day 24, I am surrendering ever more deeply to the quiet depths of my Soul, bowing still. santidevi The immortal Self has claimed me… I Am home. I need look no further for my belonging. I am an embryo in the womb of creation. Fed by spirit. The imbilius is connected to the very source of my being. I am incubating.
I am half way through my 40 day fast. One day moves into the next in a nearly timeless motion. I am aware of it passing only by the light that leaves the day and the dark that becomes the night. The instinctual part of myself wanes like a tired moon. Its predominance becomes extinct. The small in me is made to dust. Only what is intrinsic remains, Silence. All has been stilled. Even my mind has surrendered to the fire. My body sheds itself, snake like. I shake it loose. I am in awe at the intelligence and divinity of my human form that perpetually recreates itself. My beloved Lucy nourishes me through her devotional practice at the gathering of the Dances for Universal Peace. People from all spiritual and religious traditions joined together to dance and sing, in honor of the sacred Oneness of creation. I am placed in the center of the circle with the musicians. I sit wrapped in my initiation shawl, I close my eyes in meditation. Their words are sung in aramaic, hebrew, sanskrit, and a host of other languages. Ancient and enduring, they speak of God. Their bodies move in unison, their voices harmonize, their hearts and souls unite. I feel the presence of the Divine, the love of the Goddess, and I weep spontaneously. The goodness, compassion and beauty of humanity is overwhelming. I bow in reverence to those who have come to share their faith, to be a reservoir of spiritual nourishment. I drink it in. It is night now and the air is cold. I prepare my water with salt from the dead sea, and the oils of rosemary, eucalyptus, cypress, and juniper. The smell of the earth. I will put my head under the water and pray to the Bathroom Guru God. I will pray on behalf of the suffering, I will pray for peace, I will pray for you. santidevi |
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