Fini

I end the fast at 34 days.  I break it in a time honored tradition, with the eating of prasad {blessed food}. It is taken after satsang with Swami Dharmakeerthi, one of my beloved teachers from India. In the moment that I break the fast I observe the ego’s attachment to fulfilling the 40 days. Its desire to translate the fast into a personal accomplishment, an accolade, spiritual merit. This is the nature of the ego to want recognition, to seek command and ownership. With the broad sword of awareness I sever all attachment. There is no drama, no ceremony, all is dissolved in the awareness of what Is. Whatever I do is done by the power and grace of the Divine. I alone am impotent, nothing is my doing.


The purpose of all spiritual sadhana is to experience the truth, to realize our essential nature. Where there is ambition there is attachment, where there is attachment there is illusion, where there is illusion there is suffering.
All of our thoughts, words and actions should be in accordance with Dharma{ “that which holds.” } The authentic individual naturally expresses the highest human values, their innate goodness, and compassion. Our true purpose can never be known outside of our own divinity. This knowing is not inspired by effort but by surrender. The soul is already perfected, it cannot be increased or decreased, manipulated, corrupted or destroyed. It is the imperishable and immortal aspect of our Being. As we awaken, and our conditioning no longer binds us in limitation, we are able to access the higher dimensions of our consciousness.


The fast initiated a surrender to the Divine, and a relinquishing of personal will. This was purifying on the deepest levels. In the final weeks, a one pointedness of mind arose spontaneously. I was in a continuous meditative state of consciousness. In emptying my body, the boundaries that separate the inner and the outer world dissolved. All was One. The incessant noise of the mind was silenced. In this simplicity I experienced the joy of being alive. The breath became my mantra. The luminous, unconditional love of the Divine filled my being.  I have never felt so completely real, relaxed, whole and at peace. What ever filters had obscured my seeing things just as they are, had been removed.
The beauty was overwhelming.


What I truly valued became ever more apparent. Superficial needs were exposed and eradicated. Only what was essential remained. I prayed daily for the fulfilling of my Dharma, for union with my Beloved, for the ability to serve all beings.  As I prayed I felt the loving presence of the immortal bodhisattva, Quan Yin. Her compassion and mercy filled my heart. I felt the lineage of my soul, the thread that has woven me from the same weave, one incarnation after the other. Embodied for the singular purpose of alleviating suffering through the awakening of humanity. My illuminated mind experienced the timelessness of my existence. There was no before, there is no after.


My home is not bound to place or time. Where ever I Am, I am home. I will travel to Ireland to write, to breathe the sea air, to walk in the mist. I will go to celebrate life, and pay my respects to my mystic ancestry. But I will not live far from those I love. For it is love that has led me, that by grace has liberated my soul.  It is love that has given me the power to surrender, to fulfill my calling with strength, courage and humility. My very existence is an expression of the love that the Divine has for creation. I am Love.


I listen for the quiet voice of my beloved, and I watch the leaves form eddy’s in the air. Day turns to night and the lights of the city cast halos’ on the wet cement. The coal train winds its way through slumbering high rises and vacant lots. The chill of autumn makes its breath visible. I am alive, and I am awake.


I appreciate the loving support you have all have given me throughout my fast. I thank each and every one of you for your thoughts and prayers. Your company was a constant source of strength and nourishment. May your true Self be known to you, may you be at peace.


love,
santidevi