Come back. Be in this precious moment. I realize that I am not where I Am, but 4,576 miles away in Kinsale, in the locus of my longing. I close my eyes and I am there, walking cobblestones streets, looking out upon the sea, sitting amongst the “standing people” in a forest shrouded in mist. A sense of peace, and spaciousness fills my body.
It is early spring and I feel the earth begin to awaken. There is a quickening, like the first felt movements of a fetus in the womb. The past several nights I have listened in my deep sleep to my own heart beating… its rhythm a constant fidelity. By what miracle have I been kept alive?
My heart pulls me into a landslide of emotion, missing the home of my belonging. I ache with a desire that steals the breath, as if parted from a lover against all will and reason. The touch, the smell, the softness of place, I am inconsolable. I drive deep, past the abyss of loss, the tempest of yearning. My rapture, united with the power of my soul, and the holy grace of the Divine, will take me back. There is never distance between myself, and what I love. Time and space is an illusion, this is the truth. Where there is faith there is no need of hope, where there is no expectation, no need of patience. I return to the sanctum of my own knowing. Stay awake santidevi, the moment is now!
I give my time, my life’s blood to another. Earning a living, paying the bills. I can resist this, or surrender. That is always the choice. How present can I be regardless of my circumstances? There is a part that wants to flee, to escape the monotony of routine and subservience. Every moment, practice. Another sadhana designed to refine my consciousness, to deepen my awareness, and fulfill my dharma. I watch the conditioned mind mistake “my experience”, as the totality of my existence. I come back to the breath, to my beloved. I relax into the spaciousness of being and I let go. I accept “what is” with equanimity, and watch the resistance dissolve into ether. Becoming water, there is no obstacle. There is no box that can contain me, no four walls that I cannot transcend. I become peace in the midst of continual chaos, ever free…
I was born on March 14th, 1960 at 6:38 pm at a small hospital in Cozad Nebraska. The date, time, and place, of my appearance on this earth. I have lived for 50 years much to my amazement, as I never expected to live to be 30. We can never predict the duration of our lives, the events that will shape, influence and to a degree define our course. What a blessing to have lived this long, to have been given the opportunity to know a deeper level of truth, of spiritual awakening and liberation. I give thanks this day, for the love that has nurtured me whole, for the unseen world that has revealed itself time and time again in luminous and inspiring ways, and for the Divine within this sacred body that continues to carry me forth. When I disappear, I will take this with me…
P.S. My sheela arrived from Ireland.
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