I strip off my clothes. They land in a formless heap. I am naked, I am nameless. I have no identity, no history, no story. I am free. The ritual begins. I put my head underneath the water . I hear the rhythmic beat of my heart as the world recedes into an embryonic moment. In the darkness I listen to the silence and I wait. I wait for the the invisible One, the one I call the “bathroom guru God.”
As a child I couldn’t wait to take my nightly bath. In the darkness I would slip into my watery womb, the lone window above me sealed by winters icy embrace. I would follow my breath until the outside world was absorbed in the silence of my interior. The further I went inside the more endless I became. The boundaries of my body evaporated into the mist. How I wondered could my body be so small and yet so vast? There was a whole mystical world inside of me. A powerful presence seemed to appear genie like and eclipse my whole existence. The bathroom guru God had arrived. Bathing became a sacred act of communion, communion with my Self. This was my meditation. My first remembered experience and intimacy with the divine. I would leave my body spontaneously and without effort. I looked down upon my little human form lying motionless. “I am here and I am there.” I felt so deeply nourished by this revelation. There is a part of me I realized that is invisible. I couldn’t see this self, but I could feel it. I became an immediate wonder! “I am inside, I am outside. I was just like God. I began to communicate with the silence within. It listened in the way that only silence can. I would share all of my adventures, my daily trials and tribulations. It was my confidant, the reservoir of all my hopes and fears. I would awaken from my journey to cold water and a shivering body. The concept of time I discovered, ceased to exist in that place within myself. I was timeless and vast, a refuge of peace and joy. I was infinite. I would hold a question within my heart and I would listen. I would wait for the bathroom guru God to answer me, my essential nature to come out of the depths. It always did. It has been unfailing. What it revealed was knowledge and truth beyond my worldly experiences, this omniscience was a part of my being. At some point I realized that the sacred presence within me was my true Self. It was profoundly liberating to know that I would always be under its sovereignty, led by its unerring compass. Experience would prove that my presence was dependent only upon my being PRESENT. I have always sat at the lotus feet of the bathroom guru God waiting. Waiting for the water to take me deep into the well of the unknown, into the spaciousness of my own Being. Now I simply arrive where ever I am. Everyday I bow to that unbound and invisible Self that compassionately guides me into the heart of peace. ” I am my beloved, my beloved I Am.” love, santidevi
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What do you know? How do you know that what you know, you really do know?How do you know that what you know is true? We spend our lives accumulating information. We try to gather as much information about as many things as we possibly can, after all it has been said that knowledge is power. If we have power we might be able to supersede the vulnerabilities of our humanity. To a degree that is true. If we know that proper hygiene is essential to limiting the spread of disease that information could save our lives. The power of information has dramatically changed our world. We have begun to unravel the mysteries of our origin, the conception of our galaxy and its approximate timeline of extinction. We have analyzed and dissected our bodies to understand how they function. How to treat illness and prolong life. Through quantum physics we have discovered that we exist in a unified field of consciousness. This field has been defined as dynamic and self-aware intelligence that generates energy that is virtually infinite. Our interrelatedness has become an indisputable fact. This knowledge has had a profound effect on how we perceive ourselves and our world.
Yet ironically enough no matter how much information or knowledge we acquire it remains an empty acquisition if we cannot derive personal meaning and value from it. We know something is true by our immediate and direct experience even if it remains inexplicable. I have known brilliant individuals possessed with incalculable knowledge who were completely exiled from any personal sense of Self understanding. They had been completely absorbed in gathering data even if it was completely devoid of any relevance to their experience. My own bias is that knowledge should in someway have a direct and lasting impact on the quality of our lives. To know ones Self is to know the divine, the immortal aspect of our nature. The human being is after all a microcosm of the entire universe. Within you lie all the forces of nature. Somewhere in you are the remnants of the Big Bang. Your DNA contains the entire genetic code of human life. How more spectacular do you need to be to gain your interest? I remember being asked as a child what I was most interested in studying. I responded without hesitation, ” I want to study the unknown.” I had no interest in learning about what had already been discovered. Memorizing facts seemed irrelevant and a useless waste of my mind. The unknown had always intrigued me. Being curious I was always wanting to see what would happen if… I am grateful for this inquisitive and adventurous part of myself that seeks to experience everything in lieu of knowing anything! In fact the thing I love most about life is that I never know what is going to happen. The unpredictability makes it more of an experiment, an opportunity to “play.” It is liberating to know that none of us really KNOW. I have always made my Self the destination of my inquiry. In doing so I have realized that no matter how long or how diligently I sit in the silence of my own interior it will remain a mystery. This gives me a strange sense of fulfillment and peace in knowing I will never really know. It makes me feel childlike and innocent. In fact I no longer have a desire to define what cannot be known. The more I have experienced the more I realize how little I know. I can rest in that. In the vast presence of that ineffable field of pure consciousness one is immediately humbled. I continue as a venturing pilgrim in the home of my belonging. As I wander I thank all of those brave adventurers who have gone before me. Into the mists of the unknown I linger, longing to experience the borderlands of human endeavor. Follow me. santidevi I write this post with a certain apprehension. You see this is the third time that I have written “Every Moment Grace.” The prior two entries written on consecutive days were mistakenly erased. Ironic. As the words vanished before my eyes I was confident that I would be able to retrieve them. Alas, even the technological guru’s were mystified. Thus I was given another opportunity to bow before the Divine, to relinquish my attachment. To let go.
Truth: What is intrinsic to who I am can never be lost. I have been challenged by spirit all of my life to live what I know to be true. To trust with absolute faith, that every experience of my life is an act of grace. Grace is defined as“the freely given unmerited favor and love of God.”I have known this in joy and in sorrow, for grace is truly whatever awakens us to a deeper level of consciousness. Pain, suffering and loss are harbingers of transformation. These experiences take us to the marrow of our being, to the core of our human longing. They inspire and challenge our strength and courage and ultimately reveal that every moment is possessed with meaning and value. They connect us to the present and illuminate our true nature. I have never not known the “unmerited favor and grace of God. In fact I have felt it most keenly in the most traumatic moments of my life. I have been made whole and holy by“ill fate.” Sacred pain is the “great awakener,”and it is inescapable. It is the light that pierces the darkness of our ignorance. For it connects us to the truth of our circumstance, to the depth of our feeling, to the calling of the soul. It carries us limp and lost into the sanctity of our interior. It swiftly removes the superficial and the extraneous. We are left with what is raw and real, intrinsic and eternal. In our naked emptiness we are liberated. Pain is grace. The greater the adversity the greater the opportunity for transcendence. When we exhaust our own “known” abilities and resources in times of adversity, we are forced to surrender. This surrender allows us to experience the deeper levels of our nature. Here we are freed of all resistance, judgement, and effort. Thus we access the part of ourselves that exceeds the boundaries and limitations of our usual modes of perception. We awaken. Adversity hones our virtue, inspires our innovation and creativity and fosters an endurance and perseverance that defies our own will. It whispers to our reluctancy and fear… Rise! And so against all odds we do. To live in a state of grace is to be in communion with the Divine. I have awakened to this truth. Life is grace. It is continually conspiring to choreograph our lives in a way that is awakening and liberating. We must be willing to surrender our expectations, our attachments, our limiting belief systems, and our incessant need to control our experiences. How is this done? By radical acceptance and trust. Faith in what cannot be known, rationalized or reasoned. This requires a perceptual lens that sees the world in all its beauty and horror as ultimately benevolent. A desire to willing sacrifice the sovereignty of the ego to the sacred fire of consciousness. This is a ritual we enact every moment that we wake up. For in that instance we are no longer possessed by our conditioning, by our thinking minds. We allow the power of our own consciousness to illuminate our experience and define our path. Remember whatever we bow to becomes our teacher. Bow, bow deeply. santidevi Al l beings seek peace and freedom.
Students have come to me in internal conflict, in a state of disharmony and suffering. They are in opposition with themselves and their experience. They invariably believe that their unrest is a result of their personal circumstances. They try to manipulate, control and otherwise alter their external experience believing that peace lies in the resolution of dissent. Peace is not reliant upon agreement. Otherwise it would be a temporary phenomenon dependent upon ones ability to negotiate conditions. The beauty of conflict is that it generates the longing for peace. Generally speaking people contrive “peace” as the equivalent of having their personal desires fulfilled. This will not grant peace because the nature of desire is insatiability. Peace is the absence of desire. Peace is the unequivocal acceptance of things as they are. Peace is a choice. Peace as an enduring condition arises spontaneously and naturally when the mind is still. When you no longer object or resist what arises in the field of your experience. When you enter into a state of non-resistance you immediately feel a spaciousness and freedom. Ironically whenever you try to control your experience you lessen your personal freedom. You limit your choices. Acceptance creates possibility. You can’t fully engage in life unless your willing to surrender the illusion and dysfunction of control. Do you truly know which of your experiences are of redeeming value and which are not? Has anything ever happened against your will that proved to be grace? Has any disappointing moment led to a greater opportunity? Salvation often comes in the form of tragedy. There have been times in my life when I have fallen headlong into suffering that scraped the flesh from my bones only to find that my descent into pain and darkness was my deliverance. I have learned not to judge what appears at my feet or knocks at my door. What appears initially as misfortune is often the gift I have prayed most devoutly for. I have learned throughout my life that where ever I proceed with judgement I am humbled. Whenever I resist my experience I create suffering. When I desire things to be other then they are I miss the grace inherent in the moment. I have found that peace is the natural state of the mind. As I return breath by breath to the vulnerability of my mortal self I feel compassion well within my heart. Peace in the end is love. santidevi One of the greatest deterrents to your realizing your full potential is the inner critical voice. The voice that is ever certain that the aim you’re trying to achieve is impossible! No matter what aspect of your life your attempting to change it will invariably recite a litany of reasons as to why your endeavor will fail. This reasoning may even appear to have some validity. To the rational mind the data may in fact be indisputable because it is factored on historical evidence! For instance perhaps what your wanting to do has never been done. [every great contribution to human kind was at one point condemned and ridiculed] Or perhaps prior to this moment you were never ready to be responsible for your own genius or conscious awakening. Maybe you were told that you couldn’t support yourself as an artist and your challenging that Self limiting belief.
Whenever you decide not to be a mere bystander of your own life you are bound to encounter the voice of the inner critic. This critic is an aspect of the ego. The ego fears change. Change equates to a loss of control and fuels a sense of instability and uncertainty. The ego is intolerant of anything that may compromise its sovereign rule. So the ego very skillfully plays upon your fears, insecurities, and feelings of inadequacy. It manipulates you into compliancy by fostering anxiety, depression and even self destructive behavior. The critical voice is intended to dissuade you from pursuing the very initiatives that will foster awareness and spiritual growth. It abhors risk of any kind! The ego does not want to be eclipsed by the directives of the soul. It does not want to lose command and will use every tactic at its disposal to weaken and undermine your relationship to your true Self. To truth itself. It will doing everything within its power to convince you that you are ill qualified to make independent choices in regard to your own life. It will provide one example after another of your failed attempts to fulfill your dreams and aspirations. In truth it is merely trying to protect you from the very learning experiences that will awaken and liberate you. From the process of Self realization. Know that the critical voice in and of itself has absolutely no power! The only power it has ever had is the power you have given it. That power is truth. Whatever you believe to be true has power! The critic isn’t the voice of truth, it is the voice of fear. And it’s source is the ego. In the Wizard of Oz, Oz rules as a result of presenting himself as a fearsome and unapproachable ruler. His subjects believe that he is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent, in essence God like. They wouldn’t think of defying his rule out of fear of the consequences. Yet Dorothy and her entourage in their complete innocence discover that Oz is indeed just a scared old man hiding behind a curtain. He himself is lost and far from home.[ from his true nature] His fear led him to create a persona of greatness and power, an illusion to belie the truth of his mere mortal status. Oz represents the “ego self” masquerading as the Divine, the all powerful! Once you awaken to the truth the ego can no longer pretend to be something that its not. Its reign is over. This is the beginning of liberation. So how do you begin to depose the charlatan and silence the inner critic? Let me ask you this. What do you do when a child is frightened? Do you try to comfort and reassure them? As the adult do you take the appropriate measures to assure their safety and well being? When the critic surfaces approach it as you would a child who feels lost and afraid. Be gentle and compassionate. Listen to its concerns. Nothing is ever one by force, don’t attempt to challenge or dispute its claims. You can very skillfully take the helm without confrontation or conflict. By listening without judgement or quarrel you assume the position of authority it once held. Reassure it that it’s natural to feel lost and uncertain in times of transition. By observing it without prejudice or attachment you will lessen its ability to influence you. If you consistently refuse to give credence to this negative commentary it will eventually become ineffectual that is, it will have completely lost its power to manipulate and control your thoughts and behavior. Your true Self is awaiting the moment when you awaken. When you surrender to the unknown. This very moment free yourself from the tirade of the ego, from the illusion of its control. Connect to the aspect of yourself that is fearless. This is your true nature. It is spontaneous and responsive to the ever changing phenomenon that is Life. It revels in the joy, beauty and grace inherent in what Is. Take the helm, dare to live the life you’ve imagined! santidevi Attachment breeds suffering. When you approach life from a state of attachment or expectation you will always experience disappointment, pain and suffering. Attachment creates contraction and contraction limits your ability to connect with the Source. When you’re not connected to the Source of your Being you feel anxious, fearful, depressed and overwhelmed. The more you try to manipulate, control and possess your life the more obstacles you encounter. Freedom lies in nonresistance. When you relate to life without attachment and without expectation you respond to life in a truly creative and genuine way. You are more efficient, and your actions becomes an effortless expression of your innate nature.
You become attached by virtue of desire. Desire breeds attachment. By dissolving your desires you will eliminate your attachments. This will ultimately lead to true freedom. Fulfillment of worldly desire is merely a temporary joy only serving to deepen your insatiability. When you’re no longer attached you spontaneously experience the essence of life, its Truth and intrinsic beauty. Nothing can be really known or truly loved without non-attachment. Do not mistake non-attachment with being detached. It is an altogether different condition. Detachment is a life limiting and self defensive response that results from not wanting to engage, or connect. It disables your perceptual and associative abilities. Whereas, non-attachment actually serves to expand your awareness and deepen your relationship to life. santidevi Where will you find God? Where will you experience the Divine? Where will you make your pilgrimage? Which holy site will bring you peace and liberation?
All that you seek lies within. The great Indian mystic and yogi Vivekananda said, “Knowing God is the aim and goal of all human life.” To know ones Self is to know God. Only Self realization will bring an end to suffering. Only truth of your essential nature will bring liberation. Where do you begin? Where you are. There must first be the desire. You must have the desire to know who you are. Then you must be unfailingly devoted to realizing your essential nature. It requires dedication and discipline. The discipline to stay the course even when it disappears beneath your feet, when the fear becomes a tempest and the collapse of the ego heralds your demise. It requires nothing less then a resolve that cannot be deterred or defeated, a fearlessness born of faith. In other words you must become a warrior. Single focused, noble in your cause and noble in your action. Your quest will lead you to a humbling realm, a place where you will experience the inexplicable greatness of your being. All your self importance will dissolve instantaneously. The illusional separation will cease and you will know the truth. All is One, One is All. santidevi The difference between fiction and truth is that fiction makes sense. Truth is never what you expect it to be. It is not conceptually derived.
One of my teachers wisely cautioned me not to judge where the truth comes from. Anyone can awaken you. The teacher can appear at anytime in any guise. Most likely in a form that transcends ones bias. My teachers have appeared as children, beggars, the homeless and the mentally ill. I have found beauty and truth in places of great poverty and despair. I have found grace in suffering. In every experience I have discovered liberation. Thus I have come to know that truth is ever present. It is inherent in human nature and experience. Truth can arise in the heart of ignorance. Thus it is irrepressible, omnipotent and omnipresent. Even when knowledge dawns the longing for Truth remains. Everything is a means to realization. Abiding in this truth all experience has value, every moment enlightenment. At the height of human suffering it is Truth that liberates us. Allowing us to see and experience life as it Is without judgement, expectation or attachment. In this way we return to our natural state of being. Pure consciousness. Truth is simple and pure, uncomplicated and real, illuminating and subtle. When the mind surrenders truth becomes self evident. With eyes to see and ears to hear the truth is revealed in the heart of the receptive. Contemplate: What is truth? How do I know when something is true? Who can deliver the truth? What is my relationship to truth? What value does it have in my life? santidevi At any moment you can shift your state of being. At any moment you can let go and be free and feel joy and come alive
The thing you can do is to be present. If you are being present you are missing nothing. When your mind is distracted by worry, there is an absence…the absence is you. Worry is simply a symptom of not being fully present, because when you are fully present all of that worry ceases. In part because when you are present, anything and everything you need is accessible to you. Your creativity is accessible to you. Only the relaxed mind can be a creative mind, a peaceful mind. So use the worry as an opportunity to awaken you to the moment. Worry is just an indicator of your absence, your distraction. Further, it is an absorption in the maya, in illusion. Because if we really look at it, worry is an emotion – an energy. Energy is mutable. so at any moment you can wake up, be aware of that energy and transmute it. How do you transmute it? By observing it. When we observe anything it is transformed. That’s all the effort it takes, the observing. Observe it without judgement, without analyzing, without commentary and the worry will transform itself. What is the opposite of worry? It is to be at peace, which is your natural state of being. Your natural state is to be calm, to be at ease. Worry is the by-product of a restless mind. Relax the mind and the worry ceases. This is the truth. Your body already knows this. This is why already you feel calm. You know intuitively that you have the ability to do this..the ability to discern the truth. So allow the transient to be transient. Don’t allow it to be solid. Don’t give energy to phenomenon that rises and dissolves. When you give it energy, you give it solidity and validity. This comes as a result of your wanting to manipulate your experience, to control your experience. Worry is a habit that arises from the ego wanting to control your experience…to change it. Worry, anxiety, depression, all that these things do is distract you from the present moment. They deplete your energy. This disconnects you from the source, from your true Self. This inhibits you from responding skillfully and authentically. Because from that place you are only reactive, not responsive. At any moment you can shift your state of being. At any moment you can completely let go of that worry and be free and feel joy and come alive. santidevi May I ask you a question? I’ve noticed the visuals I’m getting are becoming more frequent and meaningful…are we in a big transition period and do you have any suggestions as to what I can do to understand more clearly where we are headed?
Knowing I’ll hear from you soon… Blessings Mia Mia, Yes we are in an evolutionary transition. The best way to prepare is to cultivate “moment to moment” awareness. To “be where you are.” The mind is always trying to escape the present by “thinking” its way out. The more you cultivate “mindfulness”, or the ability to be present the more the mind will return to its natural state of being which is peace. In regard to your visionary experiences simply observe them without judgement, attachment, commentary or analyzation. Simply watch them as they are manifestations of the mind, or maya [illusion] which is transitory phenomenon. Therefore do not give them undue significance or lend them power. You are awakening to deeper levels of awareness and perception. The visions you are experiencing are an indication of this. Abide where you are in the stillness and silence within. By doing so you will begin to discern the real from the unreal. love, santidevi |
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