I need to know that something is happening, as NOTHING appears to be. My heart sees through the deception of illusion, and knows otherwise, despite my trepidation. I have planted the seeds for growth and renewal, and on a deep level I trust that they are germinating somewhere in dark and fertile soil. I know, that given time they will push through the ground and appear perfectly miraculous. But at this moment, it is a faint and colorless certainty. I feel raw and vulnerable. I miss the contentedness of my Self that has basked in undaunted faith and fearlessness. I am steeped in self-doubt, in the chasm of rational analysis that can only lead to suffering. I want evidence that I will be restored to a viable state of living, that my work will resurrect, that my sense of belonging to something greater then my own pulse will return. Some part of me is resolute and unwilling to continue unless I see visible proof that I will rise as the proverbial phoenix out of the ash. My ego seems to have drawn a line in the sand, presented non-negotiable terms, and unleashed a host of unthinkable ultimatums. It has surfaced like a prehistoric and mythical creature out of the depths of my own insecurities. This year has challenged me on every level, to the very core of my being. As the economy has deteriorated so has my income. It has taken all of my inner resources to consciously refuse to succumb to the “fight or flight” response, to remain ever mindful. I will not be controlled or bullied by fear or ignorance. I will not let it distort the truth or lay claim to my path. Yet I cannot deny the mounting concern over my apparent inability to earn a sustainable living doing what I love.
How can I even think of discontinuing the work that has taken a lifetime or several to cultivate? Yet when I look at the numbers, the lack of funds in my account, the cancelled events, and the virtually empty schedule in front of me, I am ready to abandon it all. This of course is just my sense of futility trying to gain some momentum. I cannot allow myself to be disheartened, I, nonetheless, feel cratered. I have begun to deeply question whether what I do is of real value to others, whether or not there is genuine need for my skills. I believe with every naysaying cell intact, that despite all indications there has never been a more generative time. I pray for strength, for the means to live in faith not fear. In the midst of this Soul searching I get a voice message from a student, it was her birthday and she just called to express her gratitude for the help she has received, for the great work I was doing in the world…”the universe is absolutely going to support everything that you want.” Then when I check my email I have notification that some kind and generous soul has donated $20.00. Though I have tried to emancipate myself from my need for external signs or validation, I fully acknowledge my need for such encouragement. My life has shown me over and over and over again the limitations of my awareness and understanding. Just when I think it is time to reevaluate myself into oblivion I am awakened. I am given another opportunity to realize that every moment, every breath is vital. Everything has purpose and meaning. The divine, no matter how far I stray into the abyss of uncertainty, is ever present in my life. We humans are unlikely to continue anything that doesn’t fulfill our expectations or satisfy us in one way or another. Whenever we invest ourselves, our time and energy in any endeavor, we want to know that it has quantifiable value. We want confirmation that our efforts are not in vain. We want substantial proof that ultimately it’s going to improve the quality of our lives, and potentially the lives of others. This seems like a reasonable way to evaluate which experiences are desirable and worthy of our labor, and which are not. The challenge however arises, when we depend solely upon our sensory system to be the agent of our analysis. Our primary senses aren’t able to discern what is happening beyond their conditioned perception. Our sensory input for the most part is based on prior memory and association. We determine what is real and what isn’t, by our own relative and limited experience. Our reality is a direct reflection of our individual awareness or consciousness. There have been many times in my life where absolutely “nothing,” seemed to be happening, I was certain of it! I felt conflicted and discouraged. There was no real evidence of progress or development. I couldn’t see the whole, wasn’t cognizant of the constellation of events that were taking place beyond my perceptual lens. Countless physiological activities are happening in my body at this very moment beyond my conscious awareness. Human beings are being conceived, stars are taking form and dying, species are emerging and becoming extinct all in concert with an intelligence that is beyond my own. The truth is we can’t even begin to fathom the complexities inherent in our own epic and archetypal sojourns. In general, we tend to be pleasure seeking, to desire satisfaction in lieu of dissatisfaction, and certainty over the unknown. We gravitate towards activities we know we will excel in and avoid those that might be humbling. Ironically enough, the most valuable, transformative and consciousness-raising experiences are those that frequently appear as burdensome, unwanted events, obstacles and challenges. These life lessons can make us feel powerless, vulnerable and inadequate. They can destroy our illusionary sense of control, our personal identity, and dismantle our core belief system. This “dismembering,” feels like death, the one thing we are hard wired to avoid. This process certainly wouldn’t qualify as “valuable” from the limited perspective of the rational or logical mind. In fact, it would be viewed as self-destructive. What I know, is that I have been absolutely liberated by traumatic events, by those experiences that I have ardently resisted and refused. I know, that what I have endured this past year, the financial devastation, personal loss, and general instability are the seeds of my growth, of my expansion. I have faith in what I cannot see. I have courage in the face of my own ignorance. I have abiding gratitude even when I am self-pitying. I embrace this uncertain life with all of its harrowing trials, the twists and turns. As my enlightened friend Billy says “there is always a shade tree and there are always friends.”
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I have always been curious, about what appears to be a human need and propensity to label virtually everything and everyone. What is at the root of this phenomenon? It’s human nature to want to know, it provides us with a sense of control, certainty and safety. Not knowing can produce feelings of vulnerability, powerlessness, anxiety and fear. The ego, in its “infinitely strategic brilliance” uses labeling to quickly, and superficially assess whatever it encounters.
Labeling is merely a tool to make the world and everything in it more manageable, and less threatening. When we label anything we reduce it to our own relative perception and understanding. Labeling is a function of the ego, the analytical and intellectual aspect of the mind, and is based on concepts, ideologies and conditioning, all of which are inherently limiting. Labeling is a static process, a closed system. This type of reductionist thinking attempts to separate the part from the whole. It is a futile attempt to make life predictable. When we label someone we can no longer see or relate to them authentically. Our minds have predetermined who and what they are, and thus there is no mystery to discover or experience. We are safe! Naming something, on the other hand is a dynamic, intuitive, inclusive and expansive process. For example, in many indigenous tribes throughout the world, newborns are not named by the parents, but by the indwelling spirit of the child. The infant is symbolically presented to, and acknowledged by the sustaining and elemental forces of nature. This affirms their interdependence and connection to the circle of life, which symbolically represents the whole of existence. Through consistently relating to and observing the nature of the child, their innate talents and abilities are seen and fostered. These inborn qualities are understood as an intimate expression of the incarnating soul. The naming comes only when the essence of the child is revealed and understood. Their name embodies their “medicine.” Medicine meaning, the power and destiny the Creator has given to them. Naming comes from a deep and patient knowing, from the intuitive realm, from spirit itself. Naming is powerful because it arises from the truth or essence of something or someone. It is not contrived by the human mind, or by the conditioning of experience or environment. This is an entirely different way of relating to the world, and to each other. The emphasis is on unity, on interrelationship and is characterized by wanting to know the truth. What is beyond naming? Direct and immediate perception is what arises when we surrender all claim and attachment to knowing anything. When we encounter each moment with a beginner’s mind, with a clear and receptive lens, we experience things as they are. We no longer fear being annihilated by what we don’t know. Strangely in being present, without labels, without even the need to identify or name, we are actually liberated. We are liberated from ignorance and illusion, from the need to feel powerful and in control. The critical and evaluative quality of the mind ceases, and a profound sense of relaxation and peace spontaneously arises. We are then free to experience without fear or expectation, without the need for certainty and predictability… This freedom happens when we “show up,” when we let go of what we think we are in possession or need of. This is an act of conscious awareness, of trust and faith. It is akin to throwing out the compass and the map, knowing that there is an internal and omniscient intelligence that always knows where we are and where we’re going. Life in all of its glorious complexity and mystery is always inviting us to abandon our rationality, our logical thinking minds, for a truer way of knowing and being. Each moment lived in this way becomes an adventure, a pilgrimage to the very heart of our humanity. santidevi I end the fast at 34 days. I break it in a time honored tradition, with the eating of prasad {blessed food}. It is taken after satsang with Swami Dharmakeerthi, one of my beloved teachers from India. In the moment that I break the fast I observe the ego’s attachment to fulfilling the 40 days. Its desire to translate the fast into a personal accomplishment, an accolade, spiritual merit. This is the nature of the ego to want recognition, to seek command and ownership. With the broad sword of awareness I sever all attachment. There is no drama, no ceremony, all is dissolved in the awareness of what Is. Whatever I do is done by the power and grace of the Divine. I alone am impotent, nothing is my doing.
The purpose of all spiritual sadhana is to experience the truth, to realize our essential nature. Where there is ambition there is attachment, where there is attachment there is illusion, where there is illusion there is suffering. All of our thoughts, words and actions should be in accordance with Dharma{ “that which holds.” } The authentic individual naturally expresses the highest human values, their innate goodness, and compassion. Our true purpose can never be known outside of our own divinity. This knowing is not inspired by effort but by surrender. The soul is already perfected, it cannot be increased or decreased, manipulated, corrupted or destroyed. It is the imperishable and immortal aspect of our Being. As we awaken, and our conditioning no longer binds us in limitation, we are able to access the higher dimensions of our consciousness. The fast initiated a surrender to the Divine, and a relinquishing of personal will. This was purifying on the deepest levels. In the final weeks, a one pointedness of mind arose spontaneously. I was in a continuous meditative state of consciousness. In emptying my body, the boundaries that separate the inner and the outer world dissolved. All was One. The incessant noise of the mind was silenced. In this simplicity I experienced the joy of being alive. The breath became my mantra. The luminous, unconditional love of the Divine filled my being. I have never felt so completely real, relaxed, whole and at peace. What ever filters had obscured my seeing things just as they are, had been removed. The beauty was overwhelming. What I truly valued became ever more apparent. Superficial needs were exposed and eradicated. Only what was essential remained. I prayed daily for the fulfilling of my Dharma, for union with my Beloved, for the ability to serve all beings. As I prayed I felt the loving presence of the immortal bodhisattva, Quan Yin. Her compassion and mercy filled my heart. I felt the lineage of my soul, the thread that has woven me from the same weave, one incarnation after the other. Embodied for the singular purpose of alleviating suffering through the awakening of humanity. My illuminated mind experienced the timelessness of my existence. There was no before, there is no after. My home is not bound to place or time. Where ever I Am, I am home. I will travel to Ireland to write, to breathe the sea air, to walk in the mist. I will go to celebrate life, and pay my respects to my mystic ancestry. But I will not live far from those I love. For it is love that has led me, that by grace has liberated my soul. It is love that has given me the power to surrender, to fulfill my calling with strength, courage and humility. My very existence is an expression of the love that the Divine has for creation. I am Love. I listen for the quiet voice of my beloved, and I watch the leaves form eddy’s in the air. Day turns to night and the lights of the city cast halos’ on the wet cement. The coal train winds its way through slumbering high rises and vacant lots. The chill of autumn makes its breath visible. I am alive, and I am awake. I appreciate the loving support you have all have given me throughout my fast. I thank each and every one of you for your thoughts and prayers. Your company was a constant source of strength and nourishment. May your true Self be known to you, may you be at peace. love, santidevi Longing to be touched, to feel the warmth of a sleeping body next to me. Breathing the scent of human skin. The intimacy and comfort of naked bodies entwined. My heart sings to the one who has yet to appear. I am finding in this great emptiness within me, what it is I truly want. To be loved. To have wild abandon with someone who loves adventure as much as I do. Who wants to explore the world, the mystery of creation, the awakening of consciousness. A spirit that loves my cooking, and my bohemian adherence to “No rules.” That defines reading as “fun”, and is comfortable with doing absolutely nothing! One who recognizes the depth and passion of my Soul, and is isn’t afraid. I have faith that this stranger will come, that the intersecting byways of our travels will unite us in some throughly unexpected and serendipitous way.
My life has never felt so precarious. My strategy has always been not to live with a plan. I have never been a logical sort or one to trust in the rational. I love the uncertainty, and the feeling of possibility that it ignites. I know that whatever my simple mind can construct as a worthy goal, would be a mere shadow of what the spirit in me is destined for. I trust in the synchronicities, in the seemingly coincidental, and I look for signs. I listen. Living in this way requires a certain amount of detachment, a lessening of personal agenda and in the end a true surrender to an unconventional life. There are times when I have questioned my course, when I’ve made hard choices based on my personal value system and integrity, and not on what made sense. Suddenly changing direction just when my life had taken on some semblance of stability and order. I have learned not to get too comfortable, or to presume upon my circumstances. It suits my sensibilities to be adaptively flexible, to allow my life to transform at will. In this fasting I have realized ever more clearly the value I place upon being absolutely true to my Self. Living in harmony with my true nature and expressing it in word, action and deed. Bringing my spirit into the world in a way that has value and meaning. Returning to the simple as my guide. I choose to live with gratitude and reverence, to greet each moment with awareness. I Am, all that I seek. This truth fills me with peace. I live knowing that I am fulfilling my purpose, that my very existence is a divine blessing. My body is empty, but my heart is full. At day 24, I am surrendering ever more deeply to the quiet depths of my Soul, bowing still. santidevi The immortal Self has claimed me… I Am home. I need look no further for my belonging. I am an embryo in the womb of creation. Fed by spirit. The imbilius is connected to the very source of my being. I am incubating.
I am half way through my 40 day fast. One day moves into the next in a nearly timeless motion. I am aware of it passing only by the light that leaves the day and the dark that becomes the night. The instinctual part of myself wanes like a tired moon. Its predominance becomes extinct. The small in me is made to dust. Only what is intrinsic remains, Silence. All has been stilled. Even my mind has surrendered to the fire. My body sheds itself, snake like. I shake it loose. I am in awe at the intelligence and divinity of my human form that perpetually recreates itself. My beloved Lucy nourishes me through her devotional practice at the gathering of the Dances for Universal Peace. People from all spiritual and religious traditions joined together to dance and sing, in honor of the sacred Oneness of creation. I am placed in the center of the circle with the musicians. I sit wrapped in my initiation shawl, I close my eyes in meditation. Their words are sung in aramaic, hebrew, sanskrit, and a host of other languages. Ancient and enduring, they speak of God. Their bodies move in unison, their voices harmonize, their hearts and souls unite. I feel the presence of the Divine, the love of the Goddess, and I weep spontaneously. The goodness, compassion and beauty of humanity is overwhelming. I bow in reverence to those who have come to share their faith, to be a reservoir of spiritual nourishment. I drink it in. It is night now and the air is cold. I prepare my water with salt from the dead sea, and the oils of rosemary, eucalyptus, cypress, and juniper. The smell of the earth. I will put my head under the water and pray to the Bathroom Guru God. I will pray on behalf of the suffering, I will pray for peace, I will pray for you. santidevi It is Tuesday morning, the sky is azure blue and the air is crisp with autumn. I fall into a slow, natural rhythm. My body adjusts to the pranic energy that now nourishes it. This subtle and refined sustenance is like nectar from the Gods. I sleep so soundly, so deeply. I am conscious of this body as never before, the thoughts as they arise and dissolve into the emptiness. I relax into the moment.
My ego is being shed, layer by layer, ever deeper. Emotions arise and dissipate like morning mist, but they have no place to settle. The internal workings of my being have become transparent, clearly distinct. I watch my mind, and observe how it functions, responds, distracts, and obsesses. The state of my mind determines my experience. I feel the correlation between my thinking and the corresponding reaction in my body, instantaneous. It is a revelation. I have become the observer, my witnessing consciousness. It no longer feels like a separate phenomenon. The elements within myself are in the process of unifying. I am being remade. I surrender myself completely to this evolution. Every moment I live the cycle of birth, death and resurrection. I am intimately aware of this never ending ritual. In the midst of the transitions I feel their shared bloodline, as old as time. Their energy infused with joy and sorrow, hope and despair. How fragile and fleeting our sojourn. I am not bound nor tethered, but free. Time has ceased, the moment becomes seamless. I feel the spaciousness of my own interior. How peaceful to be emptied, to be scraped skin from bone. I belong to the nameless. My identity becomes membrane thin. My attachments grow pale in this Self that knows the truth. Nothing belongs to me, nothing ever has, and nothing ever will. I serve, love, live and die, without attachment. This realization is liberating. Where ever I am, I am at peace. Severed from the gravity of human longing and desire, I feel the stars descend. I am whole unto myself. What ever I have is enough. I breathe into the heart of my beloved, gratitude. My dharma, my truth has laid my path, stone by stone… I walk this walk in the company of those who have gone before, who have braved the unknown in search of the holy grail, Self-realization. I feel their presence, their compassion and grace. This journey of awakening continues to bring forth the fruits of this life. I feast. santidevi It is day 14, and my belly rumbles. I feel the gravity of my own weight, and the stillness that suspends me. A paradox. My mind is nebulous. The solidity evaporates.
Not a moment escapes me. The world has gone adrift, continents away from the air I breathe. Strange how even the most familiar objects and places seem foreign. My perceptual lens shifts. The simple becomes ever more sublime. I see through the physical into the complexity of relationship that binds us one to the other, our mortal bodies not as separate entities but as a singular expression of unity. This is my experience, vision, and what I know to be true. We are all One. In this body, heaven, and earth, find their home. I have always felt the briefness of my own life. The transiency of my body on this earth. This awareness has compelled me, from birth, to discover the inherent meaning and purpose of being human. This quest was only furthered by the trauma and suffering I experienced as a child. I knew that those initiatory conditions, though painful, were awakening a great compassion, a fearlessness and strength. In enduring, I found that I was resilient, in surrendering I found grace. No matter what happened to me, there was an aspect of who I was, that was incorruptible. The innocence of my being could not be destroyed. The greatness of my soul was determined to rise, to take complete possession of my worldly life. Suffering has been a portal to my destiny. It has distilled the truth from the marrow of my bones, extracted the finest of my human qualities, and resurrected a Self that could commit to serving human beings in their darkest hours. Had it not been for the losses I experienced so early on in my life I may never have become who I Am. The truth is that I am an immortal and divine being, embodied. I was a born a bodhisattva into a world of despair. I have but one purpose for my existence, and that is to be an accessible source of redeeming peace. The divine has carried me to the most unlikely of places to be a refuge, to protect the helpless, to heal the sick, to comfort the dying, to usher in new life. In these moments I feel the presence of the numinous, my own inextinguishable light. Every soul longs to feel their noble birth, to ascend to the greatness of their nature. It is our sole purpose to do so. Through Self- realization we express the deepest aspects of our true nature. Our innate wisdom, goodness and compassion become the wellspring of our experience. These virtues are rooted in our humanity, and meant to be intrinsic to our lives. I awaken each and every moment to what is real within myself, to the unconditional peace and happiness that illuminates my heart, and defies all circumstance… that leads me to the very Source of life. santidevi My mind is syphoned into the moment. It rests where I Am, undisturbed. The quiet has become a constant. I am aware of the weight of air, its caress penetrating beyond my thin skin… it seems to reach into my interior, a spiraling breath. It is day 12. I wonder at this body that becomes Self sustaining. I feel the intelligence of this miraculous vessel discerning what is of value and what is not. I am being systematically sorted like wheat from the chaff. I watch this process, a curious observer. What will remain? Do we ever know what will become of us? Are we not at every moment a mystery?
I find such grace in surrendering to life. Listening to and trusting, without logic or reason, the dictates of my own soul-fed voice. It leads me into the unknown, into an adventure filled and mythical life. Where fear would seal a staid fate, it has lured me beyond the objections of all fight and flight. The power that lives within this someday carcass, humbles me speechless. I follow it like a shadow into the wilds of the less traveled. My spirit is not bound. It is my will to surrender, to experience even for a moment the play of the divine, the union of my Self with my Beloved. It is morning and I repeat my mantra… I am absorbed in it’s rhythm, in the hand strung wooden beads that glide through these practiced fingers. I see the eyes of Satyananda, ageless, staring back, the peace of Samadhi. I am not here, nor there. Time, between this place and that, is perished by this consciousness that takes flight. I nourish myself in the truth of the sacred seed sounds that repeat themselves seamlessly. The boundaries dissolve, I am in this body and not. The naturalness of my being becomes ever more present. I pray for those who are suffering, for those who are in the bardo of grief and loss. All the human beings who are sick and diseased, who are hungry and homeless. I pray for those who are mentally ill and imprisoned, drug addicted, violent, and murderous. I ask in the name of all that is holy that my fasting will bring peace, love and compassion to this world. I bow to those enlightened beings, ever present, who have devoted their lives to the awakening of humanity. I dedicate any merit from this abstinence to the restoration of divine consciousness, that we may all realize the beauty and peace of our true and abiding nature. santidevi I am filled with a holy emptiness, fed by the unseen. The hunger of my belly wanes. It is day 9, and I slept at last, all night. In meditation the practice reveals itself. Inhaling the suffering and pain in the world, exhaling love and compassion. Breathe in, breathe out. The observer, my sentinel is ever present. I am at One. I surrender fully to my Beloved, to the lotus feet of my sat guru, my true and essential nature. Communion.
My awareness becomes more subtle, my energy more enduring. My mind giving way to gaps of nothingness. I feel the natural world in every cell of my body. As I walk the river with my Sara, the light on the water becomes the light in her eyes. The underlying patterns of relationship reveal themselves. I experience the composition of vibration that creates all worldly form. I am a child in wonder of existence. I find my rhythm in this alchemical body. I feel the elemental forces silently at work within me. Earth, wind, fire, water, and ether. Together they create this divine vessel. In the midst of their transformative chemistry, I sit crossed legged, eyes closed, in the heart of my heart. I work with my medicines from the plant and mineral kingdoms, the animal totems, that have seen me through the most arduous of physical and emotional challenges. They carry me. There is a stillness within me that is unchanging, a peace that is ever present. I hear, like a mantra, the beating of my own heart. I know that seeds are being planted in the darkness of my womb. These seeds are a portal to a life that is awaiting. I can see images faint and fleeting of traveling to distant lands… My vows are to serve all of humanity, to awaken divine consciousness, and create peace. I know that this process is an initiation, an ever deeper distilling of my own Being. I trust in this. I walk with all of those who have gone before me, who have fasted, prayed, and meditated for the benefit of humanity. I take refuge in these great souls who knew that nothing is a sacrifice when it is a holy decree. I weep at the beauty and grace that has been my life. I am eternally grateful for all of the experiences that have illuminated the truth of my indwelling divinity. That have brought me to this moment of consecration. My beloved, Lead me from the unreal to the real, from darkness to light, from death to immortality. Om, santi, santi, santihi santidevi |
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